


You Are Not the Father

by Sandersedge



Category: SpongeBob SquarePants (Cartoon)
Genre: Fatherhood, Impregnation, M/M, Mating, Mpreg
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-09
Updated: 2021-02-09
Packaged: 2021-03-15 08:22:08
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 8,278
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29311029
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sandersedge/pseuds/Sandersedge
Summary: After developing baby fever, SpongeBob looks for a mate to get him pregnant, however it turns out to be more difficult than he first thought. As he searches though, everything seemingly comes together at once, leaving the question of who's the father up in the air.
Relationships: SpongeBob SquarePants/Patrick Star, SpongeBob SquarePants/Squidward Tentacles
Kudos: 16





	1. Feeling Sick

SpongeBob was hunched over his toilet trying not to spill his insides out for the umpteenth time today. Everything hurt, he felt tired, and he was sick of throwing up every couple of minutes. But he knew in the end, the results would all be worth it. 

“Meow?” Gary slithered over to check on his owner. 

“I’m ok Gare Bear,” SpongeBob said, flopping back to lean against the wall. “I didn’t think it would be like this though.”

“Meow?” Gary tried not to roll his eyes. 

“I don’t know what I expected it to be like,” SpongeBob replied. “I guess like they show on TV.”

“Meow,” this time Gary couldn’t resist. 

“Gary the Snail!” SpongeBob tried to raise his voice but wasn’t able too. “I am too ready for this!” 

“Meow,” Gary felt bad for hurting his owner’s feelings. 

“It’s ok Gary,” SpongeBob sniffled slightly. “I’m just moody I guess. It’s all these changes that are making me act all goofy.” 

“Meow,” Gary slithered closer to give SpongeBob a snail hug. 

“You’re right,” SpongeBob tried to pick himself up off the floor. “I should get into bed.” 

With a bit of effort, SpongeBob hefted his now enlarged body off of the ground and shimmied over to his bed. With some more difficulty, he managed to get up on the ridiculous three mattress setup. Normally he’d use the ladder, but he had precious cargo on board and couldn’t risk hurting them. 

As SpongeBob laid back, his mind drifted to how he got into this predicament in the first place.


	2. The First Rejection

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next few chapters all take place in the past.

It all started a little over two weeks ago when he’d been browsing a magazine at work that Squidward had left laying around. For the most part, it wasn’t overly interesting, just a bunch of stuff about interior decorating, but one story really caught his eye. 

Titled “101 Best Baby Room Ideas”, it showcased all the latest trends in nursery setup from cribs to decorations to hang on the wall. As SpongeBob read each sentence and took in every picture, he was quickly feeling the urge to have a little one of his own. 

There was just one problem though. SpongeBob didn’t have a partner or anyone who could remotely be considered a partner. Sure, he could create a small clone of himself, but it wasn’t the same. The sponge wanted his own, unique little one and not just a fun-sized SpongeBob to care for. 

As Squidward returned from the bathroom, he stared at SpongeBob and coughed to get his attention. 

“Oh hi Squidward!” SpongeBob looked up and smiled at his co-worker. 

“May I have that back now?” Squidward’s tentacles were crossed and he looked on in annoyance. 

“Uh sure,” SpongeBob handed the magazine back to the octopus. “Can I ask you a question?” 

“Is it about interior decorating?” Squidward was looking for an out.

“No,” SpongeBob replied. “But I got the idea from the magazine.”

“Go ahead,” Squidward sighed. 

“Have you ever thought about having a baby?” SpongeBob fiddled nervously with his fingers. 

“No,” came the reply from Squidward. 

“Oh,” SpongeBob sounded sad. “Well I want a baby but I’m not sure how to get one.”

“Well you see when a mommy sponge and a daddy sponge love each other very much,” Squidward joked before trailing off. 

“Squidward,” SpongeBob sensed the joke. “I understand how sponges are made, I just don’t know how I can personally have a baby.”

“Well for starters you’re a male,” Squidward continued to mock SpongeBob. “So that’s probably issue number one. Number two, you don’t have a mate.”

“Do you want to be my mate Squiddy?” SpongeBob turned bright red realizing what he’d just said. 

“Nope,” Squidward didn’t have the energy for this. Instead of waiting around for another question, he turned to go back to his post at the front of the store. SpongeBob followed him though. 

“Why don’t you want to be my mate Squiddy?” SpongeBob begged. “Our baby would be the cutest in the entire ocean.”

“Look,” Squidward sighed. “First off, we’re both males so that’s not going to work. Second, I don’t want kids and third, if I did want kids, I wouldn’t want to have them with you.” 

“Bu-bu-but,” SpongeBob’s lip quivered. “It is possible so it could work and you wouldn’t have to do anything other than get me pregnant.” 

“Ok I’ll bite,” Squidward was genuinely curious to hear how SpongeBob thought this could work. “How in the name of Neptune can you, a male, get pregnant?”

“Sponges are herm-ap-pro-per-dim-tick,” SpongeBob stumbled over the word. 

“Excuse me?” Squidward had no idea what SpongeBob was trying to say. 

“Her-am-mafro-did-id-tick,” SpongeBob tried again. “You know both boys and girls.” 

“Hermaphroditic?” Squidward finally realized what the sponge was trying to say. 

“Ya that!” SpongeBob perked up. “I mean I’m a boy on the outside, but I don’t have to be a boy, I can be whatever I want and change whenever.”

SpongeBob stood back a bit and grunted softly. 

“See now I’m a girl,” SpongeBob grunted again. “And now I’m a boy.” 

“You look the same,” Squidward was less interested now. 

“Well it all happened inside,” SpongeBob continued. “You can’t really see it. I mean I could make myself look like a girl if you want me too? Would that help?”

Before Squidward could respond, SpongeBob contorted his body into an hourglass shape and produced two small lumps on his chest to simulate breasts. With a shake of his head, a long mane of golden blonde hair tumbled to his, or rather now her, waist. 

“See!” SpongeBob moved his hands to present his new look to Squidward. 

“Cute,” Squidward was secretly impressed but had no intention of showing it. “But no thank you, I don’t want to mate you as a male or a female.”

“Please!” SpongeBob’s eyes grew huge and he fluttered his long eyelashes. 

“No,” Squidward stated again. “Now get back into the kitchen, it’s almost lunch time.”

“Will you at least think about it?” SpongeBob said as he transformed back into his standard shape. 

“Yup,” Squidward said. “Ok I thought about it and the answer is still no.”

“Well if you change your mind,” SpongeBob started to walk away, but turned around just before he opened the kitchen door. “I’m ready for you.”

Squidward nearly choked on his tongue at hearing that. He couldn’t believe that SpongeBob had actually just said something remotely sexual to him and even worse, the octopus found it hot.


	3. The Second Rejection

Later that night SpongeBob and Patrick were sitting around watching TV together. Patrick had wanted to go out and do something, but SpongeBob wanted to capitalize on the chance to ask his friend the same question he’d asked Squidward. 

“Hey Patrick?” SpongeBob felt nervous. “Have you ever wanted kids?” 

“No?” Patrick seemed dumbfounded by the question. “Why would I want kids?” 

“Because they’re beautiful,” SpongeBob’s eyes grew large and sparkled in the light. “They’re just the cutest and they give you all of their love.” 

“I’ll pass,” Patrick replied. “Don’t kids poop themselves?”

“Yes,” SpongeBob knew he’d have a hard time convincing Patrick. “But that’s just one thing they do. Most of the time they’re just so cuddly and loving.”

“So like a snail?” Patrick motioned to a sleeping Gary. 

“I guess?” SpongeBob was taken back by the question. “But only sort of. They’re so much more than that though...no offense Gare Bear.” 

“Meow,” Gary rolled his eyes.

“Why are you asking me this?” Patrick raised his brow. 

“I’m glad you asked!” SpongeBob had his chance. “See I want a baby, but I need some help and that’s where you come in. I need someone to mate with so I can have a baby!” 

Patrick was quiet and his eyes grew as large as dinner plates. 

“Pat? Patrick?” SpongeBob waved his hand in front of his friend. 

“Sorry,” Patrick snapped out of the trance. “I thought you said you wanted me to mate you.”

“I did!” SpongeBob gave a toothy smile. 

“No,” Patrick replied, still not believing what he’d heard. 

“Why not?” SpongeBob pleaded. “Our baby would be so cute! And you wouldn’t have to do anything, I’d be taking care of them and giving them all the love they need. Of course, you could be a part of their life though.” 

“You’ve done some strange stuff before,” Patrick went on. “But this is by far the weirdest. I’m not going to mate with you. Plus it’s not starfish mating season anyway.” 

“Oh,” SpongeBob had been rejected for the second time today. “Well when is starfish mating season?”

“September,” Patrick was still in a stupor. 

“Oh that’s six months away,” SpongeBob whined. “Well do you know anyone would mate with me?”

“Did you ask Squidward?” Patrick stifled a snicker. 

“I did,” SpongeBob looked at the ground. “But he said no too.”

“Sandy? Mr. Krabs? Plankton? Bubble Bass?” Patrick was just being funny now. 

“Sandy is a girl, Mr. Krabs is too old, and Plankton is too mean,” SpongeBob replied. “And Bubble Bass? That’s gross.” 

“Well I’m out of ideas,” Patrick threw his arms in the air. 

“Thanks Patrick,” SpongeBob didn’t realize his friend had been making fun of him. 

“No problem,” Patrick suppressed another laugh. “Anyway I probably should be going home.”

“Oh ok Patrick,” SpongeBob said meekly. “Well if you change your mind let me know.”

“Yup,” Patrick replied. “I’ll see you tomorrow buddy.” 

Feeling dejected, SpongeBob walked up to his room, he didn’t think it’d be this hard to find someone to mate with him. He was clearly going to need to step up his game if he wanted this to work, but he didn’t really know how. 

Sure SpongeBob understood the mechanics of everything, but it’s not like he’d ever mated before, whether for fun or procreation. Heck, he hadn’t even had so much as a boy or girlfriend or even someone who could be remotely considered a romantic partner. 

“Gary?” SpongeBob said as a tear ran down his face. “What’s wrong with me?”

“Meow,” Gary replied. 

“Are you sure nothing is wrong with me?” SpongeBob asked again. 

“Meow,” Gary repeated himself.

“Ok little buddy,” SpongeBob gave a half-hearted smile.

The sponge laid back in bed and stared up at the ceiling while starting to imagine what mating might feel like. Before he knew it his hand had started tracing around some of his pores causing a shiver to pulse through him. 

“Oh Squiddy,” SpongeBob let out a soft whisper. “Show me those tentacles.”

As his fantasy grew more vivid, his hands began to explore more as well. Wanting to get a bit more comfortable, he unbuckled his pants and slid them off while fighting to loosen his shirt. It took a few tries, but within seconds SpongeBob was spread out on the bed completely naked. 

With his new access he started using both hands to poke and probe his pores, trying to find which one would do the trick this time. SpongeBob then had a bit of a devious idea that caused him to blush. 

“Should I?” SpongeBob said to himself. “No...well....if I want to be ready for mating maybe I should?” 

With that logic winning out, he snaked his right hand down between his legs while his left hand was rimming a particularly sensitive pore. Stopping just above his more private of places, he started to tease himself just to see how it would feel. 

“Oh Neptune,” SpongeBob moaned out as he pushed his finger towards his entrance. 

Biting down on his lower lip, SpongeBob pushed his finger into his oscula, going deeper with each shriek that escaped his mouth. It felt absolutely divine and electricity was coursing through his body as he slowly worked his finger in and out. 

“Fuuuuuccccccckkkk,” he howled, unconcerned that he was swearing. 

Within minutes of working over his oscula, he sensed a tingling sensation that was rapidly forming in the pit of his stomach. He knew what this meant of course and sped up the action on both of his hands. 

SpongeBob’s body began to vibrate rapidly and his eyes rolled back as his teeth sunk into his spongy lip. Then with grunt, the sponge exploded into a thick cloud of milky, white semen that filled the water in his bedroom. Not wanting to stop, a second wave poofed out of him, turning the water murkier. 

He wanted to try for a third, but SpongeBob’s body was now yelling at him to stop. Everything was so sensitive and just lightly touching his yellow skin was enough to cause him to squirm. 

“Wow,” SpongeBob said as he let out a deep breath as he laid there. He knew he needed to get up and clean up the room, but try as he might his legs just didn’t have the strength in them to stand. 

Coming to terms with his fate, he let himself fall back into a puddle of his own seed. It felt gross, but he was so overcome with tiredness it didn’t matter. Within seconds, he was fast asleep in his own filth.


	4. There Might Be Hope Afterall

The next morning, SpongeBob awoke and tried to pry himself off the bed. He clearly had numerous dreams which made him contribute more to the mess throughout the night. Now he was effectively glued to the sheets and could barely move. With a few good grunts and some twisting and turning, he managed to break himself free.

“Morning Gary!” SpongeBob looked at his pet. 

“Meow?” Gary looked at his owner.

“Oh this,” SpongeBob turned red, suddenly embarrassed. “It’s nothing, I just need a shower, to change the sheets, scrub the walls, mop the floor, and probably take another shower.”

“Meow,” Gary closed his eyes. He wasn’t stupid, the snail knew exactly what it was, but he’d stayed up half the night watching TV and just wanted to go back to sleep. 

SpongeBob quickly stripped off his sheets and threw them into a pile on the floor. He then made his way into the bathroom to clean himself up the best he could. He knew it might be a bit tricky to get all the gunk out of his pores, but he also knew he couldn’t go to work like this. 

Upon entering the bathroom SpongeBob looked at himself in the mirror. He was a wreck and looked absolutely disgusting, however under all that filth was a very satisfied sponge. He normally didn’t masturbate, only one in a blue moon and he had to be really, really horny for that to happen. Every time he would work himself over however, he always felt amazing the next day.

With a whistle, SpongeBob jumped in the shower and began to scrub. It took some considerable effort, but twenty minutes later he was squeaky clean and went to get dressed. 

“Where are my lucky pants?” SpongeBob said as he pawed through the closet. 

SpongeBob needed his lucky pants today since he was hopeful Squidward had reconsidered his offer to mate. Deep down the sponge knew it was a long shot, but with his lucky pants anything was possible. 

“Aha!” he exclaimed as he found the pants. They looked identical to every other pair of khaki shorts he owned, but there was something about these that made him feel extra lucky. 

SpongeBob quickly got dressed and headed out the door running as fast as he could to the Krusty Krab. Today he was going to do everything he could to get one Squidward’s good side and convince the octopus to mate with him. 

“Morning Squidward,” SpongeBob said, surprised to see the octopus here so early. 

“Hey SpongeBob,” Squidward wasn’t in his typical sour mood. 

“You’re here nice and early,” SpongeBob beamed. “Ready to start the day?” 

“Yeah…”Squidward’s expression changed, he was clearly nervous about something. “Hey can I...ummm...ask you something?” 

“Sure thing Squiddy,” SpongeBob walked over to his co-worker. 

“So remember our conversation yesterday?” Squidward was hesitant. 

“Yessssssss,” SpongeBob’s eyes were getting huge. 

“Well I thought about it,” Squidward was really nervous now. “So say I do want to do this, what is it I need to do exactly? I don’t know anything about how a sponge...ummm...works.” 

“Well,” SpongeBob was having a hard time not screaming. “I switch to a female, then you...uhhh...I don’t know how octopuses work either, but with sponges the boy sponge goos in the girl sponge and 10-14 days later a little sponge is born.” 

“Goos?” Squidward cocked his brow.

“You know,” SpongeBob looked around and lowered his voice as he turned bright right. “...their...semen.”

“Oh,” Squidward bit his tongue as to not start manically laughing. Hearing SpongeBob say that, even if it was the correct terminology, was hilarious. 

“And well,” SpongeBob’s voice went back to its normal volume. “You wouldn’t have to do anything else afterwards. I mean if you want to I’d love that, but I don’t expect you to take care of the baby or change diapers or anything like that. Also, I’m not going to hook you for sponge support.” 

“So how long do you need to change into a female?” Squidward was actually curious now. “I mean I know you said yesterday that you could go back and forth, but is there...like something more to it?”

“A few hours,” SpongeBob replied. “Do you want me to change my outer appearance too?”

“Ummmm,” Squidward was conflicted. On one hand he hadn’t mated with anyone in years and even though SpongeBob wasn’t exactly his type the prospect of sex was appealing. On the other hand though, he was worried the little sponge would catch feelings for him, or worse he’d catch the feelings back. 

“Tell you what,” SpongeBob interrupted the octopus’s train of thought. “How about you think about it and let me know tomorrow?”

“Ok I can do that,” Squidward felt a sense of relief that he had 24 hours to figure this out. “Now go get the kitchen ready.” 

“Ok Squiddy!” SpongeBob was still trying to suppress his joy. “Lucky pants strike again!” 

“Excuse me?” Squidward looked at the sponge as he was walking away. 

“Oh nothing,” SpongeBob replied and went to get the kitchen setup for the day.


	5. Spur of the Moment

SpongeBob decided not to bug Squidward the rest of the day since he didn’t want it to affect the octopus’s decision. This made the day rather boring, but SpongeBob knew that thanks to his lucky pants, it would all be worth it in the end. 

After the mostly uneventful day, SpongeBob returned home feeling giddy at the prospect of mating for the first time. He wasn’t exactly sure how they were going to do this, but he hoped that it would be pretty easy to figure out. 

As he was making dinner, there was a knock at SpongeBob’s door. He set down the loaf of bread he was cutting up and went to answer it, shocked to see that it was Patrick. 

“Hey buddy,” SpongeBob said. “Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy doesn’t start for another hour.”

“Sorry SpongeBob,” Patrick said pushing his way inside. “I just need to talk to you.” 

“Sure,” SpongeBob sensed the panic in his friend’s voice. “What’s wrong? Here take a seat.”

“So you know our conversation last night?” Patrick began. “Well I was thinking about it and maybe I was wrong and I’m sorry I said it was a stupid idea and I’m sorry I was making fun of you. I was being a bad friend and I should be there to help my best friend when they need help because that’s what best friends do, right? You’d do the same thing for me, right? I know you would do the same thing for me, but ---”

“Woah there Pat,” SpongeBob put up his hands to slow his rambling friend down. “Take a breath.”

“Ok,” Patrick wiped at his eyes as he started to cry. 

“Look,” SpongeBob said. “I’m your best friend and I don’t think you’re a bad friend for saying no. It’s ok, I promise! I’m not going to force you to do anything you don’t want to do. I mean I’d love it if you said yes, but it’s ok!”

“Are you sure?” Patrick sniffled. 

“Yes,” SpongeBob held out his arms to give his friend a hug. 

“Then you wouldn’t mind if I did this then?” Patrick said and he took SpongeBob into his arms and planted a sloppy kiss on his lips. 

SpongeBob squeaked, not really knowing what to do at first, but quickly returned the kiss as best he could. It was his first kiss, or rather his first romantic kiss, and it felt spectacular. 

“Wow,” SpongeBob sighed as the two broke apart. “What was that for?”

“I want to mate you!” Patrick practically screamed. 

“I...uh what?” SpongeBob was caught off guard. “Are you sure about this?” 

“Yes,” Patrick looked at his friend with pleading eyes. “I guess last night it just, you know, scared me, but I thought about it and I want to do it.” 

“O-ok,” SpongeBob felt the conflict inside him, he wanted this, but he wanted Squidward too. 

“Yay!” Patrick cheered. “So what do I need to do?” 

“Um,” SpongeBob tried to think about starfish anatomy. “Well you need to goo inside me.”

“Goo?” Patrick gave his friend a puzzled look. “Oh you mean you need me to cum in you?” 

“Cum?” now it was SpongeBob’s turn to be confused.

“You know, the stuff that you need to make babies,” Patrick rolled his eyes.

“Oh you mean semen?” SpongeBob understood. 

“Yes,” Patrick huffed. “It’s called cum.” 

“Got it,” SpongeBob replied. “So yes you need to...cum...in me.” 

“Oh I can do that,” Patrick smiled and rubbed his hands together. “So do you want to go upstairs or do it right here?” 

“Well I guess right here works,” SpongeBob remembered he hadn’t put new sheets on yet. 

Patrick slid off his Bermuda shorts and SpongeBob followed suit with his shorts and shirt. When they were both naked they sat on the floor and looked at each other. It wasn’t the first time they’d seen each other naked, but something was different now, they were naked and about to perform a very intimate act. That is if they could figure out how to actually do it. 

“So how does this work?” SpongeBob asked. “Like how do you...ummm...cum?”

“Rub between my legs,” Patrick instructed. “It feels really good and I do it all the time. It only takes a few minutes for me to cum.” 

“Ya but from where,” SpongeBob looked Patrick over. “I want to be able to catch it.”

“Everywhere,” Patrick replied proudly. “But most of it comes from between my legs.” 

SpongeBob knew that Patrick’s seed needed to enter through his oscula, so he wondered if maybe he should use that part of his body to work the starfish over. He wasn’t really sure how that would feel though since Patrick’s skin wasn’t the smoothest, but didn’t know how else he would catch it. Figuring it was his best bet, SpongeBob shimmied towards Patrick and maneuvered so his oscula fit snug in the crevasse that Patrick’s legs formed. 

“This is strange,” Patrick looked down at the sponge. “But I kind of like it.” 

SpongeBob started sliding himself back and forth over Patrick’s skin. It was pretty uncomfortable though and the roughness of the starfish’s skin was scratching at his sensitive place. 

“Hold on a second,” SpongeBob had an idea. He jumped up and ran into the kitchen before returning with a pot full of water. He then sat down in it and took a huge breath, absorbing all of the liquid. He then shimmed back into position where he grunted to start pushing the water out. 

With the now slicker surface, SpongeBob continued to rock his hips. The pain and discomfort from before was now replaced with a sense of pleasure. It wasn’t exactly how it felt when he touched himself since there was nothing inside of him, but it still felt really good and caused him to moan out. 

Patrick was letting out groans as well and laid back onto the ground. His breathing was getting heavier and SpongeBob could feel the starfish’s muscles twitching as he continued to work. 

“Ugh SpongeBob,” Patrick howled. “Keep going. Keep going. Oh Neptune you’re going to make me cum. Make me cum buddy.”

SpongeBob grabbed Patrick’s leg for extra leverage and started working his body faster and faster. He felt like he was close to cumming as well, but he had no idea how it worked when he was in his female form. 

_Wait,_ SpongeBob’s mind screamed at him. _Am I in the female form? I don’t know. Oh well, if I’m not then there’s always Squidward._

With a massive bellow from Patrick, he started to convulse wildly followed shortly thereafter by a huge white cloud that shot out from him. This act took SpongeBob over the edge too and his own cum started dribbling out of his pores, however he quickly stopped it and began sucking in the surrounding water. 

“Wooooooo,” SpongeBob’s eyes were huge as he vacuumed up and filtered everything floating in the room. 

Finally after the water had cleared, SpongeBob slid off Patrick and laid down next to him.

“So how was that?” Patrick asked out of breath. 

“Amazing,” SpongeBob’s eyes glowed in the pale light. “I feel so full right now.” 

“So does that mean the mating was successful?” Patrick had no idea but he hoped so. 

“Yeah” SpongeBob really didn’t know the answer or if he’d even been in the right form, but he didn’t want to take away from the moment. 

“Good,” Patrick smiled. “That felt really good. I wouldn’t mind doing that again some time.”

“Me either,” SpongeBob smiled, thankful for the second chance if this didn’t work. “Say do you want to go get cleaned up? Maybe we can shower together?”

“Oooo,” Patrick’s face lit up. “I’d like that very much.”


	6. An Unexpected Round Two

SpongeBob awoke the next morning feeling sore between his legs. It felt like he’d been wearing pants that were several sizes too small and had run a marathon. 

“Oof,” he groaned as he sat on the edge of the bed. “I think I need to soak myself in some ointment before work, my little thingy stings.” 

“Meow?” Gary opened an eye. 

“Oh nothing,” SpongeBob felt embarrassed. “Just a little itchy is all. Go back to sleep Gare Bear, I’m going to go shower.”

“Meow?” Gary asked. 

“Yes I did take a shower last night,” SpongeBob grew red. “But I just want to be extra clean.”

“Meow,” Gary shut his eyes uninterested in continuing the conversation. 

While Gary drifted off back to sleep, SpongeBob hurried to get ready before dumping a can of food in the snail’s bowl and running out the door. He wanted to get to work early so he could be there when Squidward walked in. He was dying to know the octopus’s answer. 

“Squidward?” SpongeBob said as he opened the door to the Krusty Krab. “You beat me to work again? I need to step up my game don’t I? Da-hahaha.”

“Look I wanted to catch you before work,” Squidward replied. “So I’ve been thinking and...ummm...how do I put this? I think I want to take you up on your offer.” 

“Really!” SpongeBob nearly leapt through the roof. “That’s wonderful Squidward!” 

“Now this is a one time thing,” Squidward continued. “So if it doesn’t work then you’ll need to find someone else. Also, not to sound heartless or anything, but I’m not too keen on being in the kid’s life. It would be weird. When they get old though, maybe we can tell them.”

“O-ok Squiddy,” SpongeBob felt a tinge of disappointment, but understood where the octopus was coming from. 

“So tonight then?” Squidward asked. 

“Wait what?” SpongeBob gulped. “I mean sure. Would you like me to make you dinner first? I’m not sure how this all works to be honest.” 

“How about we order a pizza,” Squidward suggested. “And then we will take it from there.”

“Ok Squidward,” SpongeBob smiled. “See you tonight then...errr well I’ll see you throughout the day but you know what I mean.”

SpongeBob turned to walk back into the kitchen, he needed a few moments to ensure he switched sexes. There was just one problem though, he’d switched back and forth so many times the past few days he was unsure exactly what he was at that moment. 

“Tartar sauce,” SpongeBob said to himself. “Well I guess I just switch and assume I did it right.”

The question weighed on SpongeBob’s mind throughout the rest of the day. Since Squidward was only giving him one shot at this, he wanted to be sure he was in the correct form and ready to receive the octopus’s seed. 

By the end of the days, SpongeBob had flustered himself so much, he wasn’t sure if he even wanted to go through with it. 

“Ready?” Squidward looked at the sponge as the two left their workplace. “I’m not going to lie, I’m kind of excited.” 

“R-really?” SpongeBob eyes grew huge. “I thought maybe you’d be having second thoughts.”

“Quite on the contrary,” Squidward chuckled. “So I know you need to feed Gary and what not, so how about I go pick up a pizza then head over? That will give you 45 minutes to get everything done. Sounds good?”

“Sure thing Squiddy,” SpongeBob was beyond nervous now. 

As they parted ways, SpongeBob hurried home to get ready. Everything had been so spur of the moment with Patrick and he wanted his time with Squidward to be different. 

Once home, SpongeBob got to work. He dumped some food in Gary’s bowl and pulled a new snail toy out of the closet to keep his pet busy. Then in a mad fury, the sponge ran around his house tidying up the best he could and trying to figure out how to set the mood. 

The time flew by and 45-minutes later, as if right now cue, there was a knock at the door causing SpongeBob to jump. He wasn’t ready, but he was as ready as he was ever going to be. 

“Hi Squiddy,” SpongeBob said, opening the door. “Hey where’s the pizza?”

“We will get that later,” Squidward winked. “Now let’s go upstairs.”

“What?” SpongeBob was caught off guard. “Oh...oh….OH!” 

Squidward took the sponge by the hand and led him up to his room. Once there, Squidward picked up SpongeBob and tossed him effortlessly onto the bed causing the sponge to let out a squeak. The octopus then shut the door and joined his new companion on the overly tall bed. 

“Neptune,” Squidward sighed as he kissed the sponge. “I’ve been thinking about this all day.”

“Me too,” SpongeBob was now putty in Squidward’s tentacles. 

The two continued to kiss and Squidward began to strip off SpongeBob’s clothes. Once fully nude though, Squidward pulled back in confusion. 

“Hang on a minute Sponge,” Squidward said, looking over his mate. “So how do I do this?”

“What do you mean?” SpongeBob’s mind was foggy and not comprehending what Squidward was asking. 

“Like where do I put it?” Squidward continued to search SpongeBob’s body. 

“Put what?” SpongeBob asked.

“This!” Squidward knelt back and let his mating arm go free. 

“Woah,” SpongeBob’s eyes grew huge. “Th-That’s enormous.”

“Thanks,” Squidward felt embarrassed, he hadn’t been with someone in ages and just hearing that compliment made him blush. “But really where do I...umm...stick it?”

“Oh to mate me?” SpongeBob finally understood. 

“Yes,” Squidward resisted the urge to mock the sponge. 

“Right here,” SpongeBob pointed between his legs. “This little guy does all the work, just be careful though, I’ve never had anything that big inside of me before and I don’t want to split in half.” 

“I’ll go slow,” Squidward’s mind was racing, could he really rip the sponge in two? Best not to think about that right now he thought. 

“Oh you might need this too,” SpongeBob pulled a small bottle out of the night stand. “I used this when I…”

“When you what?” Squidward giggled. 

“You know,” SpongeBob squirmed with embarrassment. “When I play with myself. It makes it easier to slide things in and out.” 

“Sponge Butter?” Squidward chuckled at the name of the product. “Cute. Hang on, let me lube up.”

Squidward squirted a healthy dose of the lube onto his mating arm and slathered it up and down the shaft. He then put another squirt on SpongeBob’s impossibly tiny hole between his legs. The octopus wasn’t sure how he was ever going to fit in that little opening, but he knew SpongeBob was pliable so maybe it would work. Still worried about the fit, Squidward gave another squeeze of the bottle to apply another glob to the sponge’s opening. 

“I think that’s enough Squiddy,” SpongeBob laughed. “A little goes a long way, plus it’s kind of cold.” 

Squidward chuckled and then positioned his mating arm at the entrance, letting the tip of it tease SpongeBob. 

“Go on,” SpongeBob gritted his teeth. “I’m ready for it. Just be gentle ok?”

With a nod Squidward began to slowly insert his mating arm into SpongeBob’s oscula, causing the sponge to groan almost instantly. The fit was indeed tight, but just as Squidward expected, the opening did have some give to it. 

Once inside of the sponge, Squidward started to work his hips ever so slowly. The feeling was unlike anything he’d ever experienced before. With other octopuses, there were muscles and mucus, but with SpongeBob, the tight opening gave way to a wide open cavity that was soft and supple. Also, since everything wasn’t covered in mucus, he was able to let his suction cups attach and detach from the sponge’s inner wall, much to his mate’s enjoyment. 

“Po-po-po-po-po-pop,” SpongeBob mimicked the feeling of the suction cups moving against him.

Squidward adjusted himself to allow the suction cups to stick better which made SpongeBob scream out in delight and wave his arms around in the air. Squidward too was enjoying the feeling as well. He often couldn’t create the suction with his own tentacles and while it didn’t send bolts of energy through him like it was clearly doing to SpongeBob, it did feel like a really good massage. 

“Oh Squiddy,” SpongeBob moaned and dug his hand into the octopus’s back. “I’m really close. Go harder!” 

Squidward wasn’t exactly sure what SpongeBob was close too. He figured as a male he must expel semen when he reached his climax, but as a female? Squidward had no idea. It wasn’t like he was really versed in anything female related anyway. 

“Do you like that?” Squidward felt the need to talk a little dirty to see if he could bring the sponge over the edge. “You like it when I pound your little hole? Huh? You like how those stickers feel? Cum all over my arm, do it for Squiddy!”

This was the sort of stimulation SpongeBob needed to hit his climax. His body shook violently and then without warning he began billowing clouds of his juices out into the surrounding water.

Squidward was a bit confused by all this, but the sight was hot nevertheless. A few more rapid pumps and he felt his climax starting to build. 

“Oh fuck,” he groaned as his face distorted. “I’m going to cum.” 

“Cum in meeeeeeeeee!” SpongeBob squealed as he felt the rush of hot semen into his cavity. 

Wanting to save as much of it as he could, SpongeBob quickly clamped down his oscula and focused his body on sucking it all up. This caused Squidward to let out a shrill yell as the sponge’s body started to effectively milk his mating arm. 

“SponOnOnOnGggeeBoOooOb,” the octopus’s voice fluctuate with every pull from the sponge’s insides. “You. Cum. Again. UGH!” 

Another small spurt erupted from his mating arm, however with far less force than the initial blast. Feeling more liquid enter inside of him SpongeBob continued with his sucking motions, much to Squidward’s dismay. 

“Oh barnacles” Squidward’s eyes rolled back as he was overcome by what was going on. “Sponge you have to stop or you’re...you’re...you’re going to m-m-m-make me ink!” 

A cloud of black ink exploded out of the octopus mixing with the other bodily fluids floating in the water. This seemed to snap SpongeBob out of whatever state he was in and he quickly released Squidward’s mating arm with a loud, audible popping sound. 

Squidward flopped onto the bed, whimpering and twitching as he body was trying to regain some sense of balance. 

“Ah Squiddy!” SpongeBob realized what had happened and crawled over to the writhing octopus. “Are you ok? Oh fishsticks. I’m so sorry.”

“Gah!” Squidward howled when SpongeBob placed a comforting hand on him. “Just leave me be for a minute, go clean up or something.”

SpongeBob slid off the bed and surveyed the room for the first time. There was white and black fluid everywhere. It was going to take some serious cleaning to get everything back in order but it was totally worth it. 

As SpongeBob made his way to the bathroom though, a worrying idea overcame him. He’d cum during the course of the mating session and not in a way that he’d expected. When he was in his female form he shouldn’t have shot semen out like he did. With that weighing on his mind, he went to rinse himself off. 

When he returned to his bedroom, Squidward was sitting in bed. 

“Sorry Squidward,” SpongeBob looked at the floor, prepared for the onslaught of anger. 

“It...it’s ok SpongeBob,” Squidward was empathetic. “I don’t think either of us knew what was going to happen. It did feel really good though. Did you like it?”

“Oh yes!” SpongeBob was happy that his mate wasn’t angry. “It was absolutely wonderful!” 

“Good,” Squidward smiled. “Now if you don’t mind I’m going to use your shower. How about you go and get the pizza?”

“Sounds good!” SpongeBob said and he made his way out the door. 

“Ummm SpongeBob?” Squidward stopped the sponge before he left. “You might want to put some clothes on unless you want to give the delivery guy a free show.”


	7. Who's the Daddy?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This jumps back to the present.

Despite not knowing who the father was, SpongeBob was relieved the pregnancy had been relatively easy. Yes, it felt awful and was constantly throwing up, but past that he hadn’t had any major issues. The doctor had said everything looked good and that the baby was developing quickly while appearing healthy. 

“Just a few more days,” SpongeBob said as he rolled over in bed to shut his eyes. 

However, before he could drift off to sleep, a jolting pain shot through him and he let loose a blood chilling scream.

“No, no, no,” SpongeBob grabbed his bloated stomach and shook his head. “It’s too early little one, not yet! Not yet! I’m not ready for you yet!” 

“Meow?” Gary looked over at his hunched over owner. 

“Go get my phone Gary,” SpongeBob struggled to speak. “I need to get an ambulance.” 

Gary slithered over to the night stand and pulled down SpongeBob’s shellphone and picked it up with his teeth. SpongeBob grabbed the drool covered device and quickly called the emergency services. 

Minutes later an ambulance boat showed up at the pineapple and rushed SpongeBob to the hospital. Not knowing if he was truly having his baby or if something was horribly wrong, SpongeBob cried as the ambulance sped along. All he could do was talk to his stomach and hope for the best. 

“It’s ok little one,” SpongeBob sobbed. “Daddy is getting you to the doctor.” 

With a screech, the ambulance pulled into the emergency entrance and unload the groaning sponge. Two nurses wheeled SpongeBob up to L&D and got him situated in a room before going to fetch the doctor. 

A short time later a jolly looking shark wearing a white lab coat came into the room. 

“Howdy there Mr. SquarePants,” the doctor waved a fin. “I’m Dr. Sharkfin, how are you feeling?” 

“Oh Neptune it hurts,” SpongeBob cried out.

“Well let’s have a look and see what we can do for you,” the shark said and took a seat on a rolling chair at the foot of the bed. He then picked up the blanket and examined SpongeBob’s rapidly expanding oscula. 

“You’re really close Mr. SquarePants,” Dr. Sharkfin said, pleased at the way things were going. “Will your mate be joining you?” 

“Eh…” SpongeBob didn’t want to tell him. 

“Do you know who the mate is?” Dr. Sharkfin asked. “Look, I don’t judge anyone, I’m just here to make sure that the little one is safe and sound.” 

“Not exactly,” SpongeBob said, trying to grit through the pain. “I wanted to give myself the best chance so I had two donors.” 

“Understandable,” Dr. Sharkfin slid his chair back. “So, here’s what’s going to happ---”

“OH NEPTUNE,” SpongeBob shriek interrupted the doctor. “I think the baby is coming, I feel like I need to push.” 

“Excellent!” Dr. Sharkfin clapped his fins. “Nurse!” 

“Right this way,” a nurse entered the room flanked by Patrick and Squidward who’d both seen the ambulance pick SpongeBob up. 

“Hi...ugh,” SpongeBob winced. 

“So care to explain yourself SpongeBob?” Squidward said, tapping his tentacle on the tile floor. “You mated with both of us? Do you know who the father is? I swear if you make me go on Jerry Swordfish to take a paternity test I’m going to ---”

“AHHHHHH,” SpongeBob howled. “I’ll explain once the baby is here.”

“Oh,” Squidward hadn’t realized that the baby was coming right this very minute. “Well I guess we will know soon enough based on what the kid looks like.” 

“Yes!” SpongeBob grunted. 

“Oh my---” Patrick looked over at what was going on and caught a glimpse between SpongeBob’s legs. Between the fluid and tears, it was too much for the starfish to handle and with a high pitched wail he dropped to the floor with a thud. 

With a sigh, Squidward knelt down to bring Patrick back to consciousness while SpongeBob continued to scream out in pain. 

“Almost Mr. SquarePants,” Dr. Sharkfin said. “I see it starting to break through, keep pushing!” 

SpongeBob bit down on his lip and pushed with all his might. His pores started to expand and contract wildly and he was fighting to breathe. He was in an unbelievable amount of pain and it felt like he was being torn apart. 

“Push!” Dr. Sharkfin shouted out. 

With one final ear splitting howl, SpongeBob face twisted and his hands gripped the sides of the bed, then immediately collapsed as the gush of liquid poured onto the ground and the sound of a crying baby could be heard throughout the room. 

“Congratulations!” Dr. Sharkfin beamed as he quickly examined the child before wrapping them in a blanket and handing them over to SpongeBob.

“Hi there little one,” SpongeBob felt tears in his eyes as he looked down at the tiny creature. “You’re so beautiful.” 

Squidward jumped up leaving Patrick dazed on the ground. While he’d said he didn’t want kids, deep down he was secretly hoping he was the baby’s father and that he really could be part of its life. 

“So SpongeBob?” Squidward said softly. “Who does he look like?” 

“Me,” SpongeBob said through the tears. 

“Wait what?” Squidward was bewildered and looked down as SpongeBob unwrapped the blanket. Sure enough the baby was a spitting image of SpongeBob, right down to the bright blue eyes and yellow skin. 

“But how?” Squidward continued. “Shouldn’t it at least look like either Patrick or I, at least somewhat?” 

“Maybe?” SpongeBob replied. “I don’t know what’s going on, do you want to talk to the doctor?”

“Dr. Sharkfin?” Squidward turned to the shark who was washing his fins off. “I think we need some help, why does the baby look exactly like SpongeBob?” 

“Excuse me?” Dr. Sharkfin gave Squidward a bemused look. 

“Patrick, the passed out starfish, and I both mated with SpongeBob,” Squidward said. “Shouldn’t the baby at least have some of our features.”

“Well it should,” Dr. Sharkfin said. “At least in theory, but sometimes when it’s interspecies like this strange things can and do happen.” 

“So how are we going to know?” Squidward asked. 

“You’ll know in about 15 minutes when the blood work comes back,” Dr. Sharkfin replied. “It checks for all sorts of things and one of the things is a really basic genetic make up. It won’t tell you how much of your genes are present, but we should be able to figure out real quick if they’re octopus or starfish.” 

“Oh thank Neptune,” Squidward let out a deep breath. “I thought you were going to tell me we had to go on Jerry Swordfish to fight it out.” 

“As entertaining as that might be,” Dr. Sharkfin chuckled. “That won’t be necessary. Now I’m going to go check on that starfish, he’s been out for a concerningly long time.” 

While Dr. Sharkfin went to tend to Patrick, Squidward went over to SpongeBob and his new baby. 

“So SpongeBob,” Squidward lowered his voice. “Have you decided if it’s a boy or a girl?” 

“I want him to be a boy,” SpongeBob smiled. “But he can pick whatever he likes when he gets older, I won’t mind.”

“Have you picked out a name?” Squidward continued. 

“I want something that can work as either a boy or a girl name,” SpongeBob replied. “I’m not really sure yet. Do you have any ideas?”

“How about we wait and see who the father is?” Squidward went back to the chair. “If it’s me, I’ll help you pick out a name, but I don’t want to take that moment from Patrick.”

“Thank you,” SpongeBob said. 

Time seemed to be at a crawl as they waited for the test results to come back. Squidward was more nervous than he probably should’ve been and just wanted to know. While he’d be happy for Patrick if it was him, he knew deep down he was going to be devastated if that was the case. 

“So who’s the daddy?” Patrick was sitting on the floor. 

“We’re not sure yet,” Squidward replied. “Are you ok?”

“Ya that was just too much for me to handle,” Patrick answered. “Honestly, I hope it’s you Squidward, I don’t know if I can do it.” 

Before Squidward could answer, Dr. Sharkfin reappeared in the room. 

“The lab results are back,” he said as he made his way to the computer and started to click through SpongeBob’s chart. 

“So?” Squidward leaned forward.

“I’m not sure how to tell you this,” Dr. Sharkfin said. “But neither of you are the father, in fact it’s 100% sponge DNA.”

“What?” the three of them said in unison. 

“How can that be,” SpongeBob’s color drained from his face. “These two were the only two I was with and sponges can’t self fertilize...or at least that’s what the book said.” 

“That’s true,” Dr. Sharkfin said. “Can I ask you a question though?”

“Sure,” SpongeBob hoped it wasn’t bad. 

“Did you happen to switch back and forth between male and female more than once or twice?” Dr. Sharkfin asked.

“Yes….” SpongeBob’s voice trailed off. 

“Now this might be a little embarrassing,” Dr. Sharkfin continued. “But did you happen to perform any self pleasure during that time?”

“Yes…” the picture was becoming clearer for SpongeBob. 

“Well since your absorbent,” Dr. Sharkfin said. “You very well might have had residual sperm in your pores or even in the water surrounding you. It’s not common, but it’s not unheard of.” 

Suddenly it all came together for SpongeBob. That night after being rejected by Patrick and Squidward he’d masturbated and ended up passing out in a puddle of his own semen. He’d then had more than one dream that caused him to continue to ejaculate while he slept. It really wasn’t out of the realm of possibilities that he inadvertently sort of self-fertilized during this time. 

“Oh fish sticks,” SpongeBob looked dejected and started to cry. “I’m sorry everyone, this is my fault.”

“SpongeBob,” Squidward held out his tentacle. “It’s ok, what’s important is that you have a healthy little baby, just like you wanted.”

“I know Squiddy,” tears were streaming down the sponge’s face. “I just wanted to have a partner to share all this joy with.” 

“SpongeBob look,” Squidward said. “So this might seem kind of weird, but I wouldn’t mind being there for you, despite what I said before. I don’t know if I want to be a full time dad, but I’ll certainly be there to help you. I’ve kind of warmed up to the idea of having a kid.”

“And no offense SpongeBob,” Patrick chimed in. “I’m not much of a dad, but I’d like to be Uncy PatPat.” 

“Do you guys mean it?” SpongeBob looked around the room. 

“Yes,” Squidward gave SpongeBob a smile. “Now let's name this little cutie.” 

“Ok,” SpongeBob dried his eyes. “Squidward do you want to help me pick out a name?”

“I have one idea,” Squidward clasped his tentacles together. “And if you don’t like it, it’s perfectly ok and I won’t be mad. But I like the name Sydney.” 

“Sydney SquarePants,” SpongeBob repeated. “It’s perfect.” 

“Really?” Squidward was so happy that SpongeBob liked it. 

“Yes,” SpongeBob replied, looking down at his baby boy. “It works as either a boy or a girl name too. Now, Squidward, would you like to hold little Sydney?” 

“I’d love too,” Squidward held out his arms to pick up Sydney, feeling a sense of love he hadn’t felt in a very long time.


End file.
